we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
