I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
