i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Randomize
