Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We're too hungover to prance.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
