i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
