I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize