I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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