I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
