I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
