i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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