I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
