When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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