He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize