I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
