If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
