i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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