You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
