eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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