and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
