Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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