Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
