So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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