what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
