Having a random hookup so left but love u
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
