On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
