Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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