took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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