my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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