So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
