remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize