oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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