I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
