You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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