there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
