Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
