alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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