After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
