Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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