The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
