he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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