Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?