He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
