And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't deserve a penis
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
