I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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