I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
