Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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