and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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