Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
