I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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