I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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