Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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