so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
