Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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