She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
