I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
