she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
