i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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