I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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