you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
