I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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