I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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