So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
